I'll have the Kwitchy please

Now tell the truth, how many times have you eaten a God-awful quiche presented by your enthusiastic hostess and had to say out of politeness "Oh that was really lovely, you really are the high priestess of quiches!"? The trouble with this ubiquitous French dish is that everyone thinks they are an expert and that making a quiche is a piece of cake. No, it isn’t. The ingredients may be simple but sometimes the results can be alarming.

Then the blaming and excuses start. I’ve heard people say when it comes out burnt on top but uncooked inside that "The oven has a mind of its own", or when the damn thing is stuck fast to the dish it's, “My pastry doesn’t usually stick like that", or when the filling is solid yellow gunk from being over-enthusiastic with the eggs, "I was just following the recipe". Yeah, right, "I was just following orders". We've heard that one before.

But I'll let you into a secret. Quiches are easy to make and are so versatile a dish that you can put anything you like into them. Apart from the kitchen sink, which turns out even more indigestible if you are silly enough to try. All you need to do is follow three simple rules: use a suitable metal loose-base quiche tin, correctly measure the quantities, bake at the correct temperature. And if you’re crap at making pastry, buy it from your local supermarket.

If you don't follow the first rule and use a quaint porcelain dish with pretty flowers on it, the pastry tends to stick to it and the quiche falls onto the table rather than coming out nicely onto the plate. The second rule guarantees that your quiche will be delicious and not fall into the category of omelette en croute. The third avoids those embarrassing smells of burning wafting out of the kitchen and a dizzying wobble of its innards as it is placed on the table. And why bother even trying to make pastry when you already know from those far-off domestic science classes when the teacher told you that you had spastic concrete fingers unsuited to pastry making? Go to Mercadona in disguise and buy some bloody pastry and gives us all a break. I won't tell.

Anyway, on to the recipe:

1 sheet of puff pastry

200g gruyère cheese (grated)

200g mild cheese (grated)

1 dsp plain flour

4 eggs

350 ml milk

350 ml double cream

1/4 tsp nutmeg

pinch salt

pinch pepper

filling: fried bacon, or Roquefort cheese, or roasted red peppers and green asparagus etc.

Line a 28 cm metal loose-based ring with rolled-out puff pastry, making sure there are no holes in it.

Beat up the eggs, milk, cream and season well. Toss the gruyere in the flour and spread it over the pastry base.

Next put in either the filling or the mild cheese, depending on the effect you want to achieve. I usually put the bacon in the middle under the mild cheese for Quiche Lorraine, but the veg. on top for a pepper and asparagus quiche. Then pour over the egg custard.

The oven should be about 150º C; put the quiche on the bottom shelf to cook slowly. The Roquefort takes the longest because the cheese goes all squidgy and takes forever to set. If it starts to brown too quickly then you can put a metal tray on a rack just above the quiche and turn down the heat a tad. Basically the quiche is ready when it doesn't wobble in an alarming way and it looks golden on top.

Let the quiche cool down a little while before removing the outer ring. I usually serve with a simple salad. It keeps in the fridge for 4 or 5 days covered with cling film and only needs a quick blast in a 180º oven for 5-7 minutes to bring it back to its original splendour.

So there you have it, a fool-proof quiche that you won't be ashamed of and people will be asking you for another slice - and not because they're being polite or happen to be masochists.

And Kwitchy? Well some of my customers don't have a very good grasp of English, or should I say French, and to them that is how it is pronounced, along with Kwych. Or Keech. And if you are from Scotland that is a very appropriate word for some of the quiches I’ve had inflicted on me in my time.

A load of balls

Some years back I was desperately looking for ideas for food which would satisfy both my young children. Daughter Leah was vegetarian, the type that didn't like vegetables, and son Sandy didn't like anything that was green. So how could I hoodwink them into eating something healthy?

I came across a Greek recipe I found for courgette fritters that was OK but I wasn't convinced, it was a bit bland and very green. So I took the recipe and perked it up a bit by adding soft chewy Mozzarella cheese with some intense flavoured Parmesan. It worked really well and the kids loved them. And so did the customers. They were cheap and easy to make and they froze well, a winner all round. But what should I call them?

Since they were Greek and round I thought of calling them "Hercules Balls" but some of the lady customers were a bit disappointed when they saw how small they were. Obviously size was important. Plain Courgette Balls would just have to do, although in Spanish, I called them, Delicias de Calabacín, which sounded rather more exotic. I have given this recipe to so many people I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up on Mercadona's shelves one of these days by popular demand.

RECIPE (enough for about 20 balls):

1 large courgette

1 medium onion

1 teaspoon salt

1 pkt grated mozzarella

50 g finely grated parmesan

50g breadcrumbs

1 tsp dried fenugreek leaves (methi kasura from Indian shops)

1 egg

METHOD:

Grate the courgette and the onion using the large holes of the grater. Sprinkle the salt over the veg. Mix lightly and leave for 20 minutes to allow all the excess liquid to come out. Over a colander, squeeze the veg. between the palms of your hands to extract the excess juices and place it in a mixing bowl. Some will fall into the colander so add that to the bowl as well. Then add the cheese, breadcrumbs and fenugreek and toss lightly so the mixture is well separated. Add the egg and mix lightly with a fork. The mixture mustn't be too compact or the balls won't puff up when fried. Roll into balls the size of a small walnut and toss into more dried breadcrumbs. Deep fry at 160º C until golden.

They taste wonderful with the yoghurt dip below. You can freeze the balls before frying, and have them ready to fry another day. They are best served straight from the fryer, but you can also reheat them slightly in the microwave.

DIP

1 carton of Greek yoghurt

pinch salt

1 tsp dry onion soup mix

pinch dried dill or coriander

Mix all ingredients together.

In the restaurant we arrange the courgette balls on a plate as an appetizer: a little dollop of the dip on the plate for each ball to sit on – to stop it rolling around the plate – and another little dollop on top of each one. Sprinkle with chopped parsley and you have a tasty morsel to go with a glass of wine while you wait for whatever’s coming next.

SPANISH TORTILLA

One of my customers said yesterday,"Why don't you write some recipes on the internet so we can try them?"

So here we go.

Spanish Tortilla, that thick, juicy, potato omelette that one sees in bars all over Spain is a much maligned creature. Supermarkets now make thousands of them daily, wrap them in thick plastic and sell them to 'people who have no time to cook'. The problem is that when they are blasted in the microwave for a few minutes the result makes you wonder if you forgot to take the plastic wrapper off when you bite into it. The powdered egg used to make them turns them into a substance resembling polystyrene. And what happened to the potato? Did it get up and walk out of the tortilla in disgust?

Then there are the English cookery books that have a rather distorted idea of how a tortilla should be prepared. Delia, along with quite a few others, says ,"fry the potatoes in 2 tbs of oil", Yeah, like two years later the potato might be cooked. While others tell you to boil the potato in water to make it soft. Yeuch! All of them completely miss the point that the potato must be saturated in oil in order to give it that amazing flavour. Of course English cookery book writers are appalled at the idea of so much fat, but here in Spain it is normal and indeed essential. That's why it's called Spanish Tortilla.

Any way, on to the recipe:-

4 medium sized potatoes (about 500g)

1 medium onion (optional)

6 eggs

sunflower oil

olive oil

salt

Slice the potato and onion fairly thinly, put them in a deep frying pan with sunflower oil, making sure that they are completely covered. Cook the potato over a medium heat, turning occasionally to avoid browning. When the potato breaks up with a fork then it is just right. It can take 15 to 20 minutes depending on the variety. Drain all the oil out of the pan into a bowl. You can use the oil again for everyday cooking. Add about 1 tsp of salt to the potato and mix well. In another bowl beat up the eggs with a pinch of salt and add the potato and onion mixture.

Heat up a clean non-stick frying pan on a high heat with 1 tbs olive oil and when it begins to smoke add the tortilla mixture. The egg will begin to set immediately on the bottom so you need to turn it over a few times with a spatula so it sets in the middle. Now turn the gas down to minimum. When the egg is nearly set make circular movements with the pan to give it that rounded shape. Place a plate that just fits the top of the pan. Turn the tortilla upside down on to the plate and then slip it back into the pan to do the uncooked side. Move the pan in a circular fashion a few time more then cover with a clean plate of the same size, this makes the tortilla puff up a bit and appear lighter. Check to see if it is done enough by turning the pan upside down onto the plate. If it is nice and brown it should be ready to eat. If not, then slide it back into the pan and give it a few minutes more.

Now, there are two schools of thought about what constitutes a perfect tortilla. Some like it squidgy in the middle and some like it completely set. The only difference is the length of time it is allowed to cook after being turned. If you want to offer the tortilla cut into little squares as a tapa then it should be cooked all the way through to avoid embarrassing egg dribbling down cleavages. And, if it is not to be eaten right away, then cook it all the way through to be on the safe side. You never know what company your eggs have been keeping in the way of bacteria.

I prefer my Tortilla soft in the middle. Eaten with some crusty bread for a mid morning snack, especially in cold winters. Watching the steam coming out as you cut the first wedge can be an almost a mystical experience.

There is nothing more satisfying or versatile than a good tortilla, but sadly the art of making a good one seems to be dying out. So that's why we need people like yourselves to keep the tradition going. So peel some spuds, beat some eggs and get cooking!