I'll have the Kwitchy please

Now tell the truth, how many times have you eaten a God-awful quiche presented by your enthusiastic hostess and had to say out of politeness "Oh that was really lovely, you really are the high priestess of quiches!"? The trouble with this ubiquitous French dish is that everyone thinks they are an expert and that making a quiche is a piece of cake. No, it isn’t. The ingredients may be simple but sometimes the results can be alarming.

Then the blaming and excuses start. I’ve heard people say when it comes out burnt on top but uncooked inside that "The oven has a mind of its own", or when the damn thing is stuck fast to the dish it's, “My pastry doesn’t usually stick like that", or when the filling is solid yellow gunk from being over-enthusiastic with the eggs, "I was just following the recipe". Yeah, right, "I was just following orders". We've heard that one before.

But I'll let you into a secret. Quiches are easy to make and are so versatile a dish that you can put anything you like into them. Apart from the kitchen sink, which turns out even more indigestible if you are silly enough to try. All you need to do is follow three simple rules: use a suitable metal loose-base quiche tin, correctly measure the quantities, bake at the correct temperature. And if you’re crap at making pastry, buy it from your local supermarket.

If you don't follow the first rule and use a quaint porcelain dish with pretty flowers on it, the pastry tends to stick to it and the quiche falls onto the table rather than coming out nicely onto the plate. The second rule guarantees that your quiche will be delicious and not fall into the category of omelette en croute. The third avoids those embarrassing smells of burning wafting out of the kitchen and a dizzying wobble of its innards as it is placed on the table. And why bother even trying to make pastry when you already know from those far-off domestic science classes when the teacher told you that you had spastic concrete fingers unsuited to pastry making? Go to Mercadona in disguise and buy some bloody pastry and gives us all a break. I won't tell.

Anyway, on to the recipe:

1 sheet of puff pastry

200g gruyère cheese (grated)

200g mild cheese (grated)

1 dsp plain flour

4 eggs

350 ml milk

350 ml double cream

1/4 tsp nutmeg

pinch salt

pinch pepper

filling: fried bacon, or Roquefort cheese, or roasted red peppers and green asparagus etc.

Line a 28 cm metal loose-based ring with rolled-out puff pastry, making sure there are no holes in it.

Beat up the eggs, milk, cream and season well. Toss the gruyere in the flour and spread it over the pastry base.

Next put in either the filling or the mild cheese, depending on the effect you want to achieve. I usually put the bacon in the middle under the mild cheese for Quiche Lorraine, but the veg. on top for a pepper and asparagus quiche. Then pour over the egg custard.

The oven should be about 150º C; put the quiche on the bottom shelf to cook slowly. The Roquefort takes the longest because the cheese goes all squidgy and takes forever to set. If it starts to brown too quickly then you can put a metal tray on a rack just above the quiche and turn down the heat a tad. Basically the quiche is ready when it doesn't wobble in an alarming way and it looks golden on top.

Let the quiche cool down a little while before removing the outer ring. I usually serve with a simple salad. It keeps in the fridge for 4 or 5 days covered with cling film and only needs a quick blast in a 180º oven for 5-7 minutes to bring it back to its original splendour.

So there you have it, a fool-proof quiche that you won't be ashamed of and people will be asking you for another slice - and not because they're being polite or happen to be masochists.

And Kwitchy? Well some of my customers don't have a very good grasp of English, or should I say French, and to them that is how it is pronounced, along with Kwych. Or Keech. And if you are from Scotland that is a very appropriate word for some of the quiches I’ve had inflicted on me in my time.