Be brave, cook a paella!

One of the biggest nightmares for foreign residents in Spain is when you get lumbered into inviting people round for a paella. It doesn't usually matter how good the paella is, as most Brits haven't a clue about how it is supposed to turn out. The problem arises when Spanish friends come and especially if they are Valencians. Definitions of a paella vary but even the most forgiving of Spaniards will find it hard to swallow a paella made with carrots and Frankfurter sausages with canned marrowfat peas (which I was given once by a friend of mine). It can be quite a humiliating experience when they leave most of it on the plate and then say, lying through their teeth, "muy buena" just not to spoil the party. There are as many types of paella as there are Spanish cooks but certain ingredients are a no!no!, like carrots and marrowfat peas.

Making a duff paella happened to me once, but on a far grander scale, when I was asked to do paellas for a wedding for about 60 to 70 guests, some of whom were Spanish. I had the help of Esther, my trusted kitchen goffer from Tollos, who's made so many paellas she could do them in her sleep. But on this occasion things didn't quite go to plan. We set up two large paella pans outside, one for meat and the other for fish and seafood. The minute we tried to light the gas the wind started up and it kept going out. Being in a rush we brought the damn pans inside to a rather overcrowded barbeque area where all the food and drink was on display and there wasn't even room to swing a cat, not that cat was on the menu that day. With all the hullaballoo serving starters, the poor paellas got slightly forgotten about, one turned out mushy and the other uncooked. You could say that on average Esther and I got it just right. Luckily for us not many of the guests tried the rice since they were all stuffed with the hors d'oeuvres, tapas and salads beforehand. Those that did were probably too far gone with the cava to notice what an embarrassing affair the whole experience was for us. Esther vowed she never make another paella for the public again and it has taken me quite a few years to get over the trauma. It is only recently that I've decided to try my hand again.

A Valencian friend has introduced me to 'arroz meloso' and 'arroz caldoso', which, in my opinion, are far superior dishes to the paella. Not only do they taste better they are more easily digested and can even be eaten at night! Don't tell a Spaniard you eat rice at night or he may call the psychiatrist to have you certified. But the best thing of all is that they are so much easier to cook. With the paella you have to be on top of things throughout the process. How to make the 'sofrito', when to add the rice, when to add the stock, even how to make the right stock for the right paella. And the hardest bit of all, when the bloody thing is ready to eat. The whole thing is a enough to make you want to swear at the person who suggested to you should do the impossible thing in the first place.

These rice dishes are so easy to prepare, just fry up a few ingredients, add the stock , boil for a while then add the rice. If you put enough liquid in , it's meloso (smooth and creamy), if you put in too much then it's caldoso (broth or soupy).

A friend of mine from Alcoy, Lolo, has just published a book about his restaurant Lolo (yeah! really original name). He has been making rice dishes for the last 30 years. Some of his most popular recipes are in the book and I tried one the other day. You can see the result in the picture above.

RECIPE: ARROZ CON COSTILLAS Y MORCILLAS

200g pork ribs

2 black sausages (morcillas)

2 artichokes (all outer leaves removed, top half discarded)

1/2 small cauliflower(cut into florets)

1 large ripe tomato (grated)

2 garlic cloves (smashed and chopped)

200g cooked chickpeas

5 handfuls of paella rice

500ml chicken stock

500ml water

saffron or 1/2 pkt 'Paellera' colouring

METHOD

Gently heat an deep earthenware dish on the hob, adding about 4 tbs of olive oil, add the ribs and fry them up until really brown, about 15 mins, turning up the heat to medium after 5 mins. Add the sliced artichokes and the cauliflower and fry for a further 5 mins. Put in the tomato and the garlic and the chickpeas with the colouring and cook for 5 mins more. Pour in the boiling stock and water and cook for at least 15 mins more before you add the rice. Check the seasoning. It has to be just slightly too salty for the rice to come out 'sabroso'. Cover with a lid. Put the sliced morcilla on top of the rice for the last 5 mins to let it cook through. Turn off the heat and allow the dish to rest for 5 mins. Serves 4

Remember, if the rice dries out too quick just add more hot water.

You are in a win/win situation here. Too dry, it's paella, fairly wet, it's meloso, too wet, it's caldoso. Your Spanish neighbours will be really impressed. You can't lose with these rice dishes and they are wonderfully delicious, cheap and nutritious. God! It's nearly midnight and I am getting a little peckish, fancy a plate of rice anyone?

A new season

Well that was an interesting festive season or should I say freak weather season with the snow , the winds , the cold and the rain. I just got the feeling that there was some agent up in the sky with a whole load of bad weather in his bag which was supposed to last for all of the winter and he said as he was floating above Tollos, "Aah , stuff it , I'm fed up with this job , want to be home with my family at Christmas and have a nice relaxing time. Nobody'll notice if I dump all this crappy weather on top of this tiny little place, who's ever heard of Tollos anyway?" And that is why we are still trying to clean up the mess. Can't complain really, the outcome of it all is that I have had more customers than usual. People on the coast come up to have a play in the snow with their kids, make snow men to put on the bonnets of their cars which they drive back home showing off their new mascots.

But it's good to get back to some sense of normality and catch up on a few chores that got sidelined when we were overindulging with the food and the booze. But I decided this year not to make any New Year's resolutions , basically because all those good intentions go out the window within a couple of weeks. I remember the ones I made last year;

1: eat more healthily and lose 4 kg, I keep eating the same old rubbish , especially Hot and Spicy Pringles and have probably gained two kilos more this time last year;

2: play the guitar regularly, well if you call once every 6 months regular, then I suppose I did it, and boy did my fingertips hurt on those rusty old strings;

3: be positive! well, when your Sunday customers all decide to come in at once and there is absolute bedlam for the following three hours and everyone is complaining about the terrible service then I suppose I am positively at my wit's end.

This year I'd rather have a wish list , so that if they come true then all and good. None of that guilt for having failed ( yet again ).

Just to keep me from falling asleep when things are a bit slow in the restaurant we have planned three events to ring in the new year :-

1. The Thai Banquet in January: This is about the 4th or 5th time we have done a banquet and they are very popular. One of those occasions where people can try some good Thai food without the cost of flying direct to Bangkok. Anyway, they usually make it far to hot over there. I tone it down a bit so you can actually taste the food. There'll be old favourites like fish cakes, tom yum soup, Thai prawn salad, spicy beef parcels and many more goodies to delight the punters. I was looking up You Tube for some inspiration but found there was too much information. For instance, Pad Thai noodles is demonstrated by Thai chefs, housewives, college students, street vendors. There was even one hairy slob in his grotty kitchen with all the ingredients laid out on his filthy work surface ready to perform. I was frightened I was going to see a cockroach appear from some hole so I quickly changed the link. One can take authentic Thai food a bit too far. But the main problem with all these people is they are all convinced they have the perfect recipe and any deviation is considered a sin. What I glean from all this data are the basic ingredients and a general method , then I try the dish out on my long suffering wife to see the reaction. If she has a second helping then I reckon I'm on to a good thing. Another way to test the food is to put it on as a special to see how it goes down. In fact this tactic has its risks because many of the present restaurant favourites were at one time one-off specials so the new dish might get added to the already overburdened menu.

2: Tapamania in February:- A meal consisting entirely of tapas. The last time I did it there were about 15 or 16 of them. It's nice to see the diners sit waiting expectantly with their knives and forks in their hands wondering what I am going to surprise them with next. This is the sort of food I really enjoy preparing and serving. It is an occasion where I can invent new dishes as well as do traditional stuff.

3: Art Exhibition in March :- Hopefully the winter weather will have faded in our memories by then. This is our third exhibition and no doubt it will be as successful as the last two. Despite the doom and gloom that descended on us when the financial world went into auto-destruct the last one in Nov 2008 was a resounding success with about 20 paintings being sold. We have a new line up of artists and will be featuring watercolourists for the first time. You are all invited to the show and have some cava or cider and hors d'oeuvres or bouche amuse ( found that word in a cordon blue book). If you want to stay and have lunch then just reserve a table for you and your fellow art lover friends. It is a good excuse to help the struggling art world. Remember you can't take your money with you and you'll be preventing some artist from starving in a garret. Mind you , you wont be able to take the painting with you either but at least while you are on the planet Earth you'll enjoy looking at it and the artist will enjoy spending your money.

Well I suppose I better post this damn thing, I've been writing it for ages now. Occasionally I press the wrong button and the blog disappears into ciber-space so I have to start the whole thing all over again.

My wife Verity has just bought me a Recipes from Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons by Raymond Blanc and I'll be trying a few of them to see if they are worth all that effort. They are so complicated it is no wonder he needs 50 cooks to prepare them. Be a challenge though and keep me out of trouble while I'm waiting for my next customer. If it is you then there is a big chance you might be asked to be my guinea pig. I quite fancy trying " Millefeuille de pommes de terre et navets au foie gras et girolles ". It would be helpful if you'd bring your own girolle mushrooms since I have completely run out. The girolle shop in Alcoy is closed for a holiday and I don't have time to fly to France to get some. Quelle Domage!

Better go now, Verity is getting hungry and there is nothing worse than a bad tempered hungry translator except perhaps a cold and hungry, bad tempered translator.