I'll have the Kwitchy please

Now tell the truth, how many times have you eaten a God-awful quiche presented by your enthusiastic hostess and had to say out of politeness "Oh that was really lovely, you really are the high priestess of quiches!"? The trouble with this ubiquitous French dish is that everyone thinks they are an expert and that making a quiche is a piece of cake. No, it isn’t. The ingredients may be simple but sometimes the results can be alarming.

Then the blaming and excuses start. I’ve heard people say when it comes out burnt on top but uncooked inside that "The oven has a mind of its own", or when the damn thing is stuck fast to the dish it's, “My pastry doesn’t usually stick like that", or when the filling is solid yellow gunk from being over-enthusiastic with the eggs, "I was just following the recipe". Yeah, right, "I was just following orders". We've heard that one before.

But I'll let you into a secret. Quiches are easy to make and are so versatile a dish that you can put anything you like into them. Apart from the kitchen sink, which turns out even more indigestible if you are silly enough to try. All you need to do is follow three simple rules: use a suitable metal loose-base quiche tin, correctly measure the quantities, bake at the correct temperature. And if you’re crap at making pastry, buy it from your local supermarket.

If you don't follow the first rule and use a quaint porcelain dish with pretty flowers on it, the pastry tends to stick to it and the quiche falls onto the table rather than coming out nicely onto the plate. The second rule guarantees that your quiche will be delicious and not fall into the category of omelette en croute. The third avoids those embarrassing smells of burning wafting out of the kitchen and a dizzying wobble of its innards as it is placed on the table. And why bother even trying to make pastry when you already know from those far-off domestic science classes when the teacher told you that you had spastic concrete fingers unsuited to pastry making? Go to Mercadona in disguise and buy some bloody pastry and gives us all a break. I won't tell.

Anyway, on to the recipe:

1 sheet of puff pastry

200g gruyère cheese (grated)

200g mild cheese (grated)

1 dsp plain flour

4 eggs

350 ml milk

350 ml double cream

1/4 tsp nutmeg

pinch salt

pinch pepper

filling: fried bacon, or Roquefort cheese, or roasted red peppers and green asparagus etc.

Line a 28 cm metal loose-based ring with rolled-out puff pastry, making sure there are no holes in it.

Beat up the eggs, milk, cream and season well. Toss the gruyere in the flour and spread it over the pastry base.

Next put in either the filling or the mild cheese, depending on the effect you want to achieve. I usually put the bacon in the middle under the mild cheese for Quiche Lorraine, but the veg. on top for a pepper and asparagus quiche. Then pour over the egg custard.

The oven should be about 150º C; put the quiche on the bottom shelf to cook slowly. The Roquefort takes the longest because the cheese goes all squidgy and takes forever to set. If it starts to brown too quickly then you can put a metal tray on a rack just above the quiche and turn down the heat a tad. Basically the quiche is ready when it doesn't wobble in an alarming way and it looks golden on top.

Let the quiche cool down a little while before removing the outer ring. I usually serve with a simple salad. It keeps in the fridge for 4 or 5 days covered with cling film and only needs a quick blast in a 180º oven for 5-7 minutes to bring it back to its original splendour.

So there you have it, a fool-proof quiche that you won't be ashamed of and people will be asking you for another slice - and not because they're being polite or happen to be masochists.

And Kwitchy? Well some of my customers don't have a very good grasp of English, or should I say French, and to them that is how it is pronounced, along with Kwych. Or Keech. And if you are from Scotland that is a very appropriate word for some of the quiches I’ve had inflicted on me in my time.

A load of balls

Some years back I was desperately looking for ideas for food which would satisfy both my young children. Daughter Leah was vegetarian, the type that didn't like vegetables, and son Sandy didn't like anything that was green. So how could I hoodwink them into eating something healthy?

I came across a Greek recipe I found for courgette fritters that was OK but I wasn't convinced, it was a bit bland and very green. So I took the recipe and perked it up a bit by adding soft chewy Mozzarella cheese with some intense flavoured Parmesan. It worked really well and the kids loved them. And so did the customers. They were cheap and easy to make and they froze well, a winner all round. But what should I call them?

Since they were Greek and round I thought of calling them "Hercules Balls" but some of the lady customers were a bit disappointed when they saw how small they were. Obviously size was important. Plain Courgette Balls would just have to do, although in Spanish, I called them, Delicias de Calabacín, which sounded rather more exotic. I have given this recipe to so many people I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up on Mercadona's shelves one of these days by popular demand.

RECIPE (enough for about 20 balls):

1 large courgette

1 medium onion

1 teaspoon salt

1 pkt grated mozzarella

50 g finely grated parmesan

50g breadcrumbs

1 tsp dried fenugreek leaves (methi kasura from Indian shops)

1 egg

METHOD:

Grate the courgette and the onion using the large holes of the grater. Sprinkle the salt over the veg. Mix lightly and leave for 20 minutes to allow all the excess liquid to come out. Over a colander, squeeze the veg. between the palms of your hands to extract the excess juices and place it in a mixing bowl. Some will fall into the colander so add that to the bowl as well. Then add the cheese, breadcrumbs and fenugreek and toss lightly so the mixture is well separated. Add the egg and mix lightly with a fork. The mixture mustn't be too compact or the balls won't puff up when fried. Roll into balls the size of a small walnut and toss into more dried breadcrumbs. Deep fry at 160º C until golden.

They taste wonderful with the yoghurt dip below. You can freeze the balls before frying, and have them ready to fry another day. They are best served straight from the fryer, but you can also reheat them slightly in the microwave.

DIP

1 carton of Greek yoghurt

pinch salt

1 tsp dry onion soup mix

pinch dried dill or coriander

Mix all ingredients together.

In the restaurant we arrange the courgette balls on a plate as an appetizer: a little dollop of the dip on the plate for each ball to sit on – to stop it rolling around the plate – and another little dollop on top of each one. Sprinkle with chopped parsley and you have a tasty morsel to go with a glass of wine while you wait for whatever’s coming next.

SPANISH TORTILLA

One of my customers said yesterday,"Why don't you write some recipes on the internet so we can try them?"

So here we go.

Spanish Tortilla, that thick, juicy, potato omelette that one sees in bars all over Spain is a much maligned creature. Supermarkets now make thousands of them daily, wrap them in thick plastic and sell them to 'people who have no time to cook'. The problem is that when they are blasted in the microwave for a few minutes the result makes you wonder if you forgot to take the plastic wrapper off when you bite into it. The powdered egg used to make them turns them into a substance resembling polystyrene. And what happened to the potato? Did it get up and walk out of the tortilla in disgust?

Then there are the English cookery books that have a rather distorted idea of how a tortilla should be prepared. Delia, along with quite a few others, says ,"fry the potatoes in 2 tbs of oil", Yeah, like two years later the potato might be cooked. While others tell you to boil the potato in water to make it soft. Yeuch! All of them completely miss the point that the potato must be saturated in oil in order to give it that amazing flavour. Of course English cookery book writers are appalled at the idea of so much fat, but here in Spain it is normal and indeed essential. That's why it's called Spanish Tortilla.

Any way, on to the recipe:-

4 medium sized potatoes (about 500g)

1 medium onion (optional)

6 eggs

sunflower oil

olive oil

salt

Slice the potato and onion fairly thinly, put them in a deep frying pan with sunflower oil, making sure that they are completely covered. Cook the potato over a medium heat, turning occasionally to avoid browning. When the potato breaks up with a fork then it is just right. It can take 15 to 20 minutes depending on the variety. Drain all the oil out of the pan into a bowl. You can use the oil again for everyday cooking. Add about 1 tsp of salt to the potato and mix well. In another bowl beat up the eggs with a pinch of salt and add the potato and onion mixture.

Heat up a clean non-stick frying pan on a high heat with 1 tbs olive oil and when it begins to smoke add the tortilla mixture. The egg will begin to set immediately on the bottom so you need to turn it over a few times with a spatula so it sets in the middle. Now turn the gas down to minimum. When the egg is nearly set make circular movements with the pan to give it that rounded shape. Place a plate that just fits the top of the pan. Turn the tortilla upside down on to the plate and then slip it back into the pan to do the uncooked side. Move the pan in a circular fashion a few time more then cover with a clean plate of the same size, this makes the tortilla puff up a bit and appear lighter. Check to see if it is done enough by turning the pan upside down onto the plate. If it is nice and brown it should be ready to eat. If not, then slide it back into the pan and give it a few minutes more.

Now, there are two schools of thought about what constitutes a perfect tortilla. Some like it squidgy in the middle and some like it completely set. The only difference is the length of time it is allowed to cook after being turned. If you want to offer the tortilla cut into little squares as a tapa then it should be cooked all the way through to avoid embarrassing egg dribbling down cleavages. And, if it is not to be eaten right away, then cook it all the way through to be on the safe side. You never know what company your eggs have been keeping in the way of bacteria.

I prefer my Tortilla soft in the middle. Eaten with some crusty bread for a mid morning snack, especially in cold winters. Watching the steam coming out as you cut the first wedge can be an almost a mystical experience.

There is nothing more satisfying or versatile than a good tortilla, but sadly the art of making a good one seems to be dying out. So that's why we need people like yourselves to keep the tradition going. So peel some spuds, beat some eggs and get cooking!

Be brave, cook a paella!

One of the biggest nightmares for foreign residents in Spain is when you get lumbered into inviting people round for a paella. It doesn't usually matter how good the paella is, as most Brits haven't a clue about how it is supposed to turn out. The problem arises when Spanish friends come and especially if they are Valencians. Definitions of a paella vary but even the most forgiving of Spaniards will find it hard to swallow a paella made with carrots and Frankfurter sausages with canned marrowfat peas (which I was given once by a friend of mine). It can be quite a humiliating experience when they leave most of it on the plate and then say, lying through their teeth, "muy buena" just not to spoil the party. There are as many types of paella as there are Spanish cooks but certain ingredients are a no!no!, like carrots and marrowfat peas.

Making a duff paella happened to me once, but on a far grander scale, when I was asked to do paellas for a wedding for about 60 to 70 guests, some of whom were Spanish. I had the help of Esther, my trusted kitchen goffer from Tollos, who's made so many paellas she could do them in her sleep. But on this occasion things didn't quite go to plan. We set up two large paella pans outside, one for meat and the other for fish and seafood. The minute we tried to light the gas the wind started up and it kept going out. Being in a rush we brought the damn pans inside to a rather overcrowded barbeque area where all the food and drink was on display and there wasn't even room to swing a cat, not that cat was on the menu that day. With all the hullaballoo serving starters, the poor paellas got slightly forgotten about, one turned out mushy and the other uncooked. You could say that on average Esther and I got it just right. Luckily for us not many of the guests tried the rice since they were all stuffed with the hors d'oeuvres, tapas and salads beforehand. Those that did were probably too far gone with the cava to notice what an embarrassing affair the whole experience was for us. Esther vowed she never make another paella for the public again and it has taken me quite a few years to get over the trauma. It is only recently that I've decided to try my hand again.

A Valencian friend has introduced me to 'arroz meloso' and 'arroz caldoso', which, in my opinion, are far superior dishes to the paella. Not only do they taste better they are more easily digested and can even be eaten at night! Don't tell a Spaniard you eat rice at night or he may call the psychiatrist to have you certified. But the best thing of all is that they are so much easier to cook. With the paella you have to be on top of things throughout the process. How to make the 'sofrito', when to add the rice, when to add the stock, even how to make the right stock for the right paella. And the hardest bit of all, when the bloody thing is ready to eat. The whole thing is a enough to make you want to swear at the person who suggested to you should do the impossible thing in the first place.

These rice dishes are so easy to prepare, just fry up a few ingredients, add the stock , boil for a while then add the rice. If you put enough liquid in , it's meloso (smooth and creamy), if you put in too much then it's caldoso (broth or soupy).

A friend of mine from Alcoy, Lolo, has just published a book about his restaurant Lolo (yeah! really original name). He has been making rice dishes for the last 30 years. Some of his most popular recipes are in the book and I tried one the other day. You can see the result in the picture above.

RECIPE: ARROZ CON COSTILLAS Y MORCILLAS

200g pork ribs

2 black sausages (morcillas)

2 artichokes (all outer leaves removed, top half discarded)

1/2 small cauliflower(cut into florets)

1 large ripe tomato (grated)

2 garlic cloves (smashed and chopped)

200g cooked chickpeas

5 handfuls of paella rice

500ml chicken stock

500ml water

saffron or 1/2 pkt 'Paellera' colouring

METHOD

Gently heat an deep earthenware dish on the hob, adding about 4 tbs of olive oil, add the ribs and fry them up until really brown, about 15 mins, turning up the heat to medium after 5 mins. Add the sliced artichokes and the cauliflower and fry for a further 5 mins. Put in the tomato and the garlic and the chickpeas with the colouring and cook for 5 mins more. Pour in the boiling stock and water and cook for at least 15 mins more before you add the rice. Check the seasoning. It has to be just slightly too salty for the rice to come out 'sabroso'. Cover with a lid. Put the sliced morcilla on top of the rice for the last 5 mins to let it cook through. Turn off the heat and allow the dish to rest for 5 mins. Serves 4

Remember, if the rice dries out too quick just add more hot water.

You are in a win/win situation here. Too dry, it's paella, fairly wet, it's meloso, too wet, it's caldoso. Your Spanish neighbours will be really impressed. You can't lose with these rice dishes and they are wonderfully delicious, cheap and nutritious. God! It's nearly midnight and I am getting a little peckish, fancy a plate of rice anyone?

A new season

Well that was an interesting festive season or should I say freak weather season with the snow , the winds , the cold and the rain. I just got the feeling that there was some agent up in the sky with a whole load of bad weather in his bag which was supposed to last for all of the winter and he said as he was floating above Tollos, "Aah , stuff it , I'm fed up with this job , want to be home with my family at Christmas and have a nice relaxing time. Nobody'll notice if I dump all this crappy weather on top of this tiny little place, who's ever heard of Tollos anyway?" And that is why we are still trying to clean up the mess. Can't complain really, the outcome of it all is that I have had more customers than usual. People on the coast come up to have a play in the snow with their kids, make snow men to put on the bonnets of their cars which they drive back home showing off their new mascots.

But it's good to get back to some sense of normality and catch up on a few chores that got sidelined when we were overindulging with the food and the booze. But I decided this year not to make any New Year's resolutions , basically because all those good intentions go out the window within a couple of weeks. I remember the ones I made last year;

1: eat more healthily and lose 4 kg, I keep eating the same old rubbish , especially Hot and Spicy Pringles and have probably gained two kilos more this time last year;

2: play the guitar regularly, well if you call once every 6 months regular, then I suppose I did it, and boy did my fingertips hurt on those rusty old strings;

3: be positive! well, when your Sunday customers all decide to come in at once and there is absolute bedlam for the following three hours and everyone is complaining about the terrible service then I suppose I am positively at my wit's end.

This year I'd rather have a wish list , so that if they come true then all and good. None of that guilt for having failed ( yet again ).

Just to keep me from falling asleep when things are a bit slow in the restaurant we have planned three events to ring in the new year :-

1. The Thai Banquet in January: This is about the 4th or 5th time we have done a banquet and they are very popular. One of those occasions where people can try some good Thai food without the cost of flying direct to Bangkok. Anyway, they usually make it far to hot over there. I tone it down a bit so you can actually taste the food. There'll be old favourites like fish cakes, tom yum soup, Thai prawn salad, spicy beef parcels and many more goodies to delight the punters. I was looking up You Tube for some inspiration but found there was too much information. For instance, Pad Thai noodles is demonstrated by Thai chefs, housewives, college students, street vendors. There was even one hairy slob in his grotty kitchen with all the ingredients laid out on his filthy work surface ready to perform. I was frightened I was going to see a cockroach appear from some hole so I quickly changed the link. One can take authentic Thai food a bit too far. But the main problem with all these people is they are all convinced they have the perfect recipe and any deviation is considered a sin. What I glean from all this data are the basic ingredients and a general method , then I try the dish out on my long suffering wife to see the reaction. If she has a second helping then I reckon I'm on to a good thing. Another way to test the food is to put it on as a special to see how it goes down. In fact this tactic has its risks because many of the present restaurant favourites were at one time one-off specials so the new dish might get added to the already overburdened menu.

2: Tapamania in February:- A meal consisting entirely of tapas. The last time I did it there were about 15 or 16 of them. It's nice to see the diners sit waiting expectantly with their knives and forks in their hands wondering what I am going to surprise them with next. This is the sort of food I really enjoy preparing and serving. It is an occasion where I can invent new dishes as well as do traditional stuff.

3: Art Exhibition in March :- Hopefully the winter weather will have faded in our memories by then. This is our third exhibition and no doubt it will be as successful as the last two. Despite the doom and gloom that descended on us when the financial world went into auto-destruct the last one in Nov 2008 was a resounding success with about 20 paintings being sold. We have a new line up of artists and will be featuring watercolourists for the first time. You are all invited to the show and have some cava or cider and hors d'oeuvres or bouche amuse ( found that word in a cordon blue book). If you want to stay and have lunch then just reserve a table for you and your fellow art lover friends. It is a good excuse to help the struggling art world. Remember you can't take your money with you and you'll be preventing some artist from starving in a garret. Mind you , you wont be able to take the painting with you either but at least while you are on the planet Earth you'll enjoy looking at it and the artist will enjoy spending your money.

Well I suppose I better post this damn thing, I've been writing it for ages now. Occasionally I press the wrong button and the blog disappears into ciber-space so I have to start the whole thing all over again.

My wife Verity has just bought me a Recipes from Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons by Raymond Blanc and I'll be trying a few of them to see if they are worth all that effort. They are so complicated it is no wonder he needs 50 cooks to prepare them. Be a challenge though and keep me out of trouble while I'm waiting for my next customer. If it is you then there is a big chance you might be asked to be my guinea pig. I quite fancy trying " Millefeuille de pommes de terre et navets au foie gras et girolles ". It would be helpful if you'd bring your own girolle mushrooms since I have completely run out. The girolle shop in Alcoy is closed for a holiday and I don't have time to fly to France to get some. Quelle Domage!

Better go now, Verity is getting hungry and there is nothing worse than a bad tempered hungry translator except perhaps a cold and hungry, bad tempered translator.

snowed in again

Hi there, so here we are again up to our thighs in nice crisp snow. It all happened really quickly, so quickly in fact that we didnt get time to get dressed for our planned christmas shopping trip to Valencia before we had 10cm of snow as we got into the car. It came down so fast the windscreen wipers cleared an ever smaller space through which to see. So we abandoned that idea. Next week perhaps.

So what to do? Just wait it out. Well it snowed all day and the next night more or less and what a delight to wake up and see that lovely picture on the left. Might look pretty to you but not if you're an almond tree that has been broken in half and then fallen and sheered right through a telephone cable. So no telephone. Of course since the blizzard hit such a large area there were many other trees doing the same thing to electric cables, so you've guessed it , no electricity either.

One of the advantages of having a restaurant that is cut off from the rest of the world is that we have an ample supply of food in stock and no punters to eat it. With the threat of it all defrosting in sub zero temperatures (ha ha!)I bravely left the house in my wellies to go the hundred metres to the restaurant. "I may be some time!" paraphrasing Oates the great antarctic explorer and set off. It took me two minutes to grab a couple of spinach crepes and I was back to our nice cosy log fire. Didn't realise until I took off my boots that they were filled with some of the 45cm deep snow I had trudged through. And there is a handy tip for the body conscious ladies who want to lose a few pounds on their thighs, just try walking through that depth of snow and you find out what a wonderful work-out it is for the quadriceps.

So the evening was spent reading with a nice malt at my side, I can heartily recommend Imperium by Robert Harris, all about Cicero and the politicking in the roman republic. Great fun if you like that sort of thing. I can't remember the last time I was so sleepy but I kid you not I had a mid morning nap, a light siesta and a postprandial snooze before yawning off to my bed. I suppose that we are all so stimulated so much by life style and intrusive technology that we are all hyped up and can't relax properly. Just think if we had a different type of metabolism and we were forced to constantly have 3 or 4 sleeps a day. No more wars, less crime and violence, probably more sex.. But is that a bad thing?

So the next day, well rested I may add, I ventured out to see the full white Christmas scene and it was breathtaking. Took lots of photos and talked to some rather pissed off neighbours. No TV, no radio and no telephone, they moaned. One neighbour Vicente actually braved the cold to start shoveling the snow from his front door, took one look at amount of it and immediately retreated into his house. I didn't quite hear what was said in Valenciano by his irate wife but I reckon she said "how am I supposed to get the bread tomorrow if you don't get off your arse and make a path?" Once again the door opened grudgingly and poor Vicente started shoveling and muttering about his bad back. Needless to say I got out there with him and did my bit for the pueblo. Just like in the westerns when two great railway lines meet in the middle of nowhere we made a path that joined up. After all, the bread has got to get through!

Later on the day civilisation beat a path to Tollos and a giant mobile generator installed to give us temporary relief from a non-electical existence. Soon after the phone came back on and all was hunky-dory again. It just goes to show what a thin veneer our modern way of life is and fragile the technology we have built around us is to the weather. Well if this is what is in store for us with climate change I reckon they should start thinking of building our essential appliances out of sturdier materials, like the Victorians did. Cast iron mobile phones for instance.

And on that rather idiotic note I will close for now, obviously the cold has got into my brain.

David